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SUN PROPRIETARY/CONFIDENTIAL: INTERNAL USE ONLY
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- SUN EMPLOYEES ONLY -
TO: AMERICAS SALES AND MARKETING
FROM: JOHN MARSELLE, VICE PRESIDENT OF SALES
SUBJECT: SUN ANNOUNCES GARY GRIMES' PROMOTION TO PRESIDENT OF SunCLONE
DATE: APRIL 1, 2001
URL's: http://remulak.east/afg
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I am very proud to announce that Gary Grimes, Southern Area Vice
President for Sales, has been promoted to President of Sun's
newest subsidiary SunCLONE. It was extremely important to SMI
that we select the right person to lead SunCLONE. We needed a
fast-moving leader to master this dynamic market. Gary Grimes
was selected because, after careful examination, we have
determined that Gary is not only the fastest VP at Sun but also
on planet Earth. Gary is the only VP at Sun to have a racing
license and could have been a world class driver if he had
chosen to pursue a racing career. Gary has driven and owns some
of the fastest cars ever produced and I know that the stress of
a very fast-moving market would not be a problem for him. I
needed someone who would not be distracted by some of the
religious, ethical, privacy, and consumer issues that will
undoubtedly crop up with this announcement. With his laser-like
focus on execution, I feel that Gary is the right man for this
job.
WHAT IS SunCLONE ONE?
=====================
I am very pleased and excited to announce that we have beaten
every other company and Government lab in the race to clone a
human being and have mapped the human genome and the human brain
into JDNA/JMRI Enterprise Java Beans (EJBs). JDNA/JMRI EJBs are
the first truly integrated software/hardware helix stacks that
have mapped DNA and the brain accurately into a Java class with
real-time sub-attosecond response time.
The SunCLONE ONE is the first product using JDNA/JMRI EJBs.
This bio-robotic device fully captures all aspects of the human
base unit such as IQ, personality, and a lifetime knowledge base.
Plus, unlike the human revision, the SunCLONE ONE is field
upgradable via our patented JDNA/JNLP protocol. The SunCLONE ONE
was designed at our SUNdEnPjMsF World Class Secret R&D facility
in McLean, VA.
TECHNICAL DETAILS of SunCLONE ONE
=================================
The SunCLONE ONE is Java/Jini/JXTA/JDNA/EJB/J_Quantum_Servlet
SunCLONE(TM)-certified. Each "appendage" (or option) is
loosely-metaphysically coupled but highly
recursively-intelligently aligned. A fully configured SunCLONE
ONE is made of self-healing kevlar with 340 undecillion (340
BILLION BILLION BILLION BILLION or a one-to-one mapping with the
number of IPv6 addresses) autonomous MAJC processors embedded in
the kevlar for a lifetime of work. All parts are
self-diagnosing and every single data path has 1 million levels
of ECC-based protection.
By using our patented SunCLONE DNA extraction techniques, we can
do mass customization for each SunCLONE ONE. For example, if you
want a SunCLONE ONE of yourself, no problem. Our home DNA
extraction kit, available in supermarkets and convenience stores,
will allow you to painlessly extract the needed samples of DNA
in less than two minutes.
Working with every manufacturer of Magnetic Resonance Imaging
(MRI) systems, we have created a process for taking MRI images
of the brain using JMRI, our JDNA process, and leveraging them
to have a truly integrated software/hardware helix stack that is
the ultimate definition of the NetEffect. These MRI systems
will be embedded in existing supermarket checkout line scanners
and will automatically transmit an accurate 14.6 petabyte scan
of your brain to SunCLONE headquarters using satellite
technology.
To those of our customers who are concerned about Sun having
access to every SunCLONE ONE owner's DNA and brain scans, we
politely say, "Get over it, you don't have any privacy now
anyway and we need to do SOMETHING to turn this economy
around!"
WORKING SunCLONE ONE
====================
Gary Grimes was the first to actually be cloned and have his own
SunCLONE ONE. By extracting Gary's DNA and having Gary walk
through a JMRI enabled MRI scanner, we were able to clone Gary
and map his DNA/MRI brain scan into JDNA/JMRI Enterprise Java
Beans (EJBs) working in a SunCLONE ONE. We have a working Gary
Grimes(TM) SunCLONE ONE in the McLean, VA office. Through
extensive testing, we have proven, beyond a shadow of a doubt,
that the Gary Grimes SunCLONE ONE is identical to Gary's
knowledge base and personality in every possible way. This test
has been so successful that today we are announcing the
proCLONEmotion (Sun patented term that means when your SunCLONE
ONE takes over your normal job) of Gary's SunCLONE ONE to VP of
Sales, GSO Southern Area. If there are any problems, the Pat
Cox(TM) SunCLONE ONE can help out Gary's SunCLONE ONE.
See the URL at end of this announcement for a live webcam of Gary's
SunCLONE ONE in action.
MARKETING DETAILS of SunCLONE ONE
=================================
We have heard from our customer focus groups that celebrity
SunCLONE ONEs would be a great option and so far we have
experimented with the Ed Zander(TM) SunCLONE ONE and the Masood
Jabbar(TM) SunCLONE ONE. While testing continues on these
configurations, beta units are available at full price with no
warranty, provided the customer is willing to sign our rather
large stack of legal disclaimers.
Although some may feel that cloning is a "controversial" market
for Sun to be in, we believe that everyone will eventually want
a clone for the jobs that they do not want to do. Our customers
have asked the question, "Obviously, the employees at your
subsidiary will receive multiple Nobel Prizes, but how can you
make money from something so well made?" We thought about this
long and hard and decided not to sell the SunCLONE ONEs but
lease them. We will freely auction off their services to the
highest bidder at any time. For example, if someone wished to
play a practical joke on his neighbor, he could place the
highest bid and buy time from Sun to overtake the controls of
the SunCLONE ONE and have it do whatever he wants. At this time
we have no plans to allow Government agencies to buy time to
control or monitor your clone, but this may change in the very
near future if the stock market does not improve.
Continuing our line of top-quality slogans (no, not that stupid
dog we had put to sleep) from "The Network Is the Computer"(TM)
to "We're the Dot in Dot-Com"(TM) our new marketing focus will
be "We're the 'N' in DNA"(TM).
Please join me in congratulating Gary Grimes on his new role of
SunCLONE President. Please send mail to
mailto:gary.grimes@Sun.COM congratulating him on his new
position!
WHAT THE PEOPLE ARE SAYING ABOUT THE Sun CLONE ONE
==================================================
"This is really the fruition of our entire Sun Remote
Services(TM) (SRS) strategy. If we have problems at a
customer site, we can clone the right person in no
time. Let's say, for example, if a customer has a Java
question, ship out the James Gosling clone. A question
on vi or csh, a Bill Joy clone is on the way. Problems
solved!"
Larry Hambly
Vice President
Enterprise Services
"This makes my entire life's work seem insignificant."
Bill Joy
Sun Co-Founder
Employee #6
"I *am* a rocket scientist and I don't understand the physics
behind this. Not only have they created the SunCLONE ONE,
this group created a new branch of science -- amazing."
Dr. Rick Lytel
Distinguished Engineer and Director
RAS Computer Analysis Laboratory and
Physical Sciences Center
"This is so far beyond insanely great, I am at a loss for words..."
Steve Jobs
"When James Gosling, Ivan Sutherland, Bill Joy, Rob
Gingell, Mike Splain, Bob Sproull, Jim Mitchell and Greg
Papadopoulos all told me that the SunCLONE ONE would be
more important to Sun's future than NFS, the 386i,
SPARC, Sun Write/Paint & Draw, NeWS, DOE, Solaris, Java,
Jini, StarFire, Cobalt and the Serengeti line combined,
I was in absolute shock."
Scott McNealy
Sun CEO
Sun Co-Founder
Employee #3
"The SunCLONE ONE is the ultimate example of technology.
I tried to help out on some of the design work, but the
combination of computer science and physics involved
with SunCLONE ONE had Bill Joy and myself just
scratching our heads. This is so brilliant it is
scary ..."
Dr. Greg Papadopoulos
Sun's Chief Technology Officer
"I am putting everything I own into SUNW stock, so
should everyone else. If the SunCLONE ONE is half as
successful as I expect it to be, this will change the
economy more than anything I could ever do."
Alan V. Greenspan
"Now I wish I would have stayed. I would gladly have
given back the $245 million I personally made in selling
Granite Systems if I could have been a part of this. I
bet Vinod would come back as well."
Andy Bechtolscheim
Sun Co-Founder and
Employee #1
"Andy is right, Scott has begged me many times to come
back. If I could work with the SunCLONE ONE group, I
would quit my VC stuff and come back to Sun in a
femtosecond."
Vinod Khosla
Sun Co-Founder
Employee #2
"This is the ultimate use of the MAJC processor I
designed. They took my processor and did things with it
that I felt were absolutely impossible if I had not seen
it myself. Their patented atto-parallelization
techniques involving quantum spin rates is
mind-boggling."
Dr. Marc Tremblay
Chief Architect MAJC
Distinguished Engineer
"These new clones will be a big help in our FO plans
since OSHA does not require that clones have their own
cubicles. I am thinking about renaming HR to HR/CR
(Human Resources/Clone Resources). I will make an
announcement shortly that Officers of Sun can not be
cloned unless it is for non-business use."
Crawford Beveridge
Chief HR/CR Officer
"Constitutional scholars tell me that my SunCLONE ONE is
eligible for two more terms."
William Jefferson Clinton
Former President of the USA
"The SunCLONE ONE goes to 11."
Nigel Tufnel
Lead Guitarist
Spinal Tap
HOW CAN I LEARN MORE?
=====================
We have set up a complete site to answer all your questions. We
have a large FAQ, fancy graphics, technical tutorial, live web
cam and more technical details on the SunCLONE ONE.
http://remulak.east/afg
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